You Can Have Empathy And Still Set Boundaries
Real empathy does not require self-sacrifice
There’s this pervasive idea that when someone is suffering, or when we understand the reasons behind their behavior, it’s cold or even cruel to set boundaries. We’re often told that compassion means enduring their chaos, putting up with their hurtful actions, and sacrificing our own well-being for the sake of their feelings.
Some of us are conditioned to operate this way more than others. If you’re a people pleaser, chances are you mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness. You avoid setting boundaries because you fear being “too aggressive” but then you downplay real aggressiveness in others, no matter how much they hurt you.
I know this feeling all too well because I’ve been there myself.
At the start of my healing journey, I struggled with this dilemma. I was not only becoming aware of my own trauma but also of all the trauma within my family. And with every layer of pain I peeled back, I felt torn. I had so much grief and empathy—for both myself and my family—yet I was also starting to see how their dysfunction affected my mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
This delicate dance between empathy and self-preservation is very real. It’s a struggle that many of us face, where the lines between caring for others and taking care of ourselves can become blurred.
Now that I see this more clearly, I’m here to tell you why these two realities can actually work together.
The Difference Between Empathy and Self-Sacrifice
It’s easy to confuse empathy with self-sacrifice, especially if we’ve been conditioned to think that caring for someone means putting up with whatever they throw our way.
But the truth is, real empathy doesn’t demand that we give up our own well-being.
Real empathy is about understanding—not absorbing. It’s our ability to put ourselves in the shoes of others, to see and feel things from their perspective without losing sight of our own. Empathy allows us to recognize someone else’s pain, frustration, or struggle, but it doesn’t require us to take it on as our own. It’s about connection, not consumption.
When we empathize, we’re choosing to understand what someone is going through without carrying their entire emotional load on our backs. We’re there to listen, to care, to validate—but we’re not there to lose ourselves in their story.
Self-sacrifice, on the other hand, means putting our own needs aside entirely, often to the point of self-neglect. It involves prioritizing someone else’s comfort over our own well-being, even when it becomes harmful to us.
This distinction matters. Because while self-sacrifice often stems from an overdeveloped empathy, real, healthy empathy does not require self-sacrifice. Instead, it requires boundaries—limits that protect our own well-being while allowing us to be there for others.
Without boundaries, it’s all too easy to become overwhelmed by the weight of someone else’s pain.
You Can Hold Space For Someone Else's Pain While Firmly Standing Your Ground
Now that we’ve clarified how empathy and self-sacrifice are two very different things, it’s easier to understand how empathy and boundaries work together.
You can feel empathy for someone’s pain and struggle while still protecting yourself. It doesn’t make you cold. It doesn’t make you cruel. It makes you emotionally mature. It’s saying, “I’ll be here for you, but I won’t lose myself in the process” or “Your struggle is real, and I care about it—but I won’t let it become my struggle”.
Take my relationship with my parents, for example. I understand why they’re unable to love me in a healthy and unconditional way; their behavior is rooted in their own unresolved trauma. That understanding gives me empathy, but it doesn’t mean I have to accept their invalidation, manipulation tactics, or emotional volatility. It doesn’t mean I should let them walk all over my boundaries or allow their dysfunction to dictate how I feel about myself. No—I still deserve to feel safe and respected in my relationships. So, I set my boundaries accordingly.
The same applies to a friend in my circle who struggles with substance abuse. My heart aches for what he’s been through and the pain that led him to use substances as coping mechanisms. I can see how he’s replaying the chaotic scenarios from his childhood, and I have deep empathy for that. But while I feel for him, I also have to protect myself from his dysfunction.
That’s what empathy means: being in touch with the feelings of others just as much as we are with our own. If we’re not in touch with our own feelings, it’s not empathy. It’s self-neglect.
And that brings us to another important aspect of all this: when we don’t set boundaries, we’re actually doing them a disservice. We’re sending the message that everything is okay, implying that they don’t need to do any inner work or strive for change (which means that we’re reinforcing their behavior, even if that’s not our intention).
The truth is, we all need to be confronted and triggered from time to time because that’s how we grow. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but that discomfort often prompts reflection and change.
Is everyone prepared to engage with that process? Unfortunately, no, but it’s not your job to carry that weight for them. Your job is to set those boundaries. What they do with those boundaries is up to them.
The thing about empathy is that it needs to be mutual.
You can’t keep pouring yourself into relationships where your needs and feelings are overlooked or dismissed. Just as you extend your compassion to others, you deserve that same consideration in return.
Besides, what about showing yourself some empathy? What about giving yourself the same compassion you extend to those around you?
You deserve to be seen and valued, too.
It’s time to shift the narrative.
Thank you for reading 🤍
If this resonated with you, you might be interested in:
Plus, I've recently published a step-by-step guide on how to start setting boundaries as part of my Creating Safety Within series. I know how isolating and challenging that journey can be, so I wanted to share everything I’ve learned that helped me go from being a people-pleaser to confidently honoring my own needs.
Full access is available exclusively to paid subscribers, so if this resonates with you, join us!
I've commented this before, but thank you so much for your writing! It is helping me enormously. I've felt a little guilty for setting boundaries, but I understand now that I don't need to feel that way. When I cut my father out of my life for his abuse, manipulation and control, it was for my and my family's protection. I still love my father, but I can't jeopardise my mental health to be in his life. When my brother was going through a difficult time dealing with trauma from our abusive childhood and got abusive work me, I distanced myself from him temporarily while he got his head straight. I didn't know it at the time, but I was setting valuable boundaries. Thank you for giving words to my experiences and validating the protective behaviours I learned through trial and error.
Thank you for sharing your upbringing. Some of what you mentioned or went through i can almost relate to that because bring the only child, I have to carry that burden. I've always mentioned to each and everyone I met that every family has it own dynamics.
There are some bad choice I have to made down the road but i needed to make that because I want to live for myself and not for my dad. Life is a struggle and it ebbs and flows. I consider myself and a high empath so setting boundaries can be tricky. Sometimes easy and sometimes tough.