When We’ve Experienced Attachment Trauma, We Don’t Know How To Receive
Unconditional love and support are foreign concepts to us
Attachment trauma leaves scars that aren’t always visible. It’s like a shadow that follows us, shaping the way we perceive the world and ourselves within it.
One of the most profound impacts it can have is on our ability to receive love and support unconditionally. We may struggle to accept kindness without suspicion, wondering what hidden agenda lies beneath. Or perhaps we’ve grown accustomed to the idea that love must be earned, that it comes with strings attached.
This is what happens when the foundation of our trust is shattered at a tender age.
When the caregivers who were supposed to love and nurture us failed to do so, we learn to view the world through a lens of caution and skepticism. We become hyper-vigilant, constantly on guard against potential threats, both real and imagined. And in our efforts to protect ourselves from further harm, we unwittingly close ourselves off to the possibility of genuine connection and fulfillment.
It took me years to realize I had this pattern. For so long, I couldn’t understand why I expected the worst in people, why I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop in my relationships.
Now, it’s a daily effort to regulate myself and remind myself that I am safe.
My partner and I have been together for almost 7 years now.
It took me a lot of therapy and inner work, even before we met, to allow myself to build a secure relationship with someone who was securely attached. All I knew was unstable, dysfunctional relationships with push-pull dynamics. Relationships that reinforced my unworthiness of love.
Despite the challenges, we finally found each other, and our love for one another continues to deepen. He’s been my rock, my anchor in a sea of uncertainty, and he makes me feel unconditionally loved every single day.
However, even in the midst of this deep connection, I still find myself grappling with the remnants of my past.
Now and then, I’m confronted with the subconscious belief that I am “alone” in the world, that I must navigate life’s challenges on my own. It’s as if a part of me still clings to the idea that I am unworthy of help and support, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
This belief manifests itself in subtle ways, particularly when it comes to making decisions or tackling tasks that need to be done. Instead of turning to my partner for support and guidance, I default to a mode of self-reliance, convinced that I must shoulder the responsibility alone. It’s a pattern I’m currently working on.
A few weeks ago, I found myself discussing this with my therapist. I told her,
“The idea of asking for help doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s as if that’s not even a possibility for me.”
And she replied,
“Perhaps because it literally wasn’t a possibility while you were growing up.”
Once again, she was right.
And even though I’ve been aware of this pattern of mine for years, her words left me thinking: How deeply ingrained are these beliefs that I carry from childhood, if seven years into my relationship I still struggle with this?
When we’ve experienced attachment trauma, we often struggle with the idea that we’re alone — that no one is genuinely there for us.
We also find ourselves constantly monitoring our surroundings, searching for potential threats, and bracing ourselves for the worst possible outcome. Every unfamiliar sound or unexpected movement sends our hearts racing and our minds spinning with catastrophic scenarios.
We’re in survival mode. We don’t know how to receive love or support because we’ve never received it before. At least, not in a way that made us feel truly safe.
In this state, how can we relax? How can we let our guard down and open ourselves up to life?
How can we allow ourselves to believe that it’s possible to experience life differently— that it’s possible to feel safe, loved, and secure?
It’s a question that may seem daunting, even impossible, when we’re deeply caught up in hypervigilance. After all, our experiences have taught us that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place, and that trusting others can leave us vulnerable to pain.
But as difficult as it may be to believe, there is hope.
Learning to receive love and support unconditionally requires us to challenge the beliefs that have been ingrained in us since childhood.
It means confronting the voice in our head that tells us we’re unworthy of love, that we don’t deserve to be cared for. It means recognizing that our past does not define us, that we are worthy of love simply because we exist.
My spiritual journey has been crucial in this process. I’ve realized that it’s when I engage in my spiritual practices — meditation, yoga — that I truly access the depths of my being and confront these deep-seated beliefs. I learn to observe the thoughts and emotions that arise without judgment, allowing me to untangle the web of conditioning that keeps me bound to old patterns.
Most importantly, my spiritual practices have taught me the power of surrender. In moments of deep meditation or prayer, I let go of the need to control and trust in the wisdom of the Universe to guide me.
It’s in these moments that I feel the most profound shifts taking place — not just in my conscious mind, but on a deep, soul level. My nervous system relaxes, my mind slows down, and my body feels safe to release emotions, even if they’re painful.
Every time this happens, I feel a sense of peace and wholeness wash over me, as I remember that I am not alone on this journey — that I am supported, held, and loved by forces seen and unseen.
If you’ve been struggling with the inability to receive love or support, know that you’re not alone. It’s a common struggle for many of us who have attachment trauma.
But acknowledging this struggle is the first step towards healing.
Once we become aware of our unresolved issues, it’s our job to find healthier coping mechanisms so that we don’t fall back into the same patterns. It’s a gradual process, but with each step forward, we move closer to a life filled with love, connection, and fulfillment.
So, be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. And know that healing is possible, and you deserve to experience the fullness of love and support in your life.
Thank you for reading 🤍
If you're craving content that truly supports your healing journey, my Creating Safety Within series is here for you. It's a space for us to grow together, unpack our emotions, and create the healing we all deserve.
Full access is available exclusively to paid subscribers, so if this resonates, join us! Part 5 is coming soon. In the meantime, you can catch up on the previous parts here:
I think these two reads will be particularly meaningful as you explore the series:
See you soon!
This hit hard. I recently learned that I don’t know how to receive love and it was like everything about my life suddenly made sense. Powerful article.
I loved this.. I always thought of my independence as my strength, as I had learnt from an early age, that I only myself to rely on… to cope in all situations. That no matter what, I could always return to myself for safety. I had felt love was not reliable, may not always be around to help support me… that I had to to strong enough, yet be there for others. I was the only person I had to depend on.. Hence, I had found it difficult to accept true, deep love and support from another… would eventually let me down.
This stems from having to be independent, from a young person. Losing the security and loss of parents.
I'm learning to ask for help now, from people I trust, and that I am worthy of such a deep profound and supportive love.
My lesson, taken on board and understood withore clarify ❤️