I Refuse To Accept Conditional Love, Support, or Acceptance
It’s either genuine and unconditional, or I don’t want it
My whole life I’ve been loved with conditions.
As a child, I was only loved if I got good grades, behaved well, or met my parents’ expectations of me. If I excelled in school, I received praise and affection. But if I was anything less than perfect, that warmth turned cold, and I was met with disappointment and indifference.
If I expressed myself, I’d get punished. If I expressed hurt, frustration, or anger, the punishment was even harder. I’m not talking about physical punishment, but the emotional withdrawal, the anger outbursts, and the silent treatment. Mental and emotional violence are very real too — especially when we’re children.
For those reasons, I learned very early on that love was something I had to earn. It was a reward for compliance, a fragile gift that could be taken away at any moment.
This kind of conditional love shaped me, made me cautious, made me feel like I had to earn my place in the world. It taught me to hide my true self, to suppress my emotions, and to wear a mask to be loved and accepted. It also taught me that my needs and feelings were irrelevant. In fact, I was irrelevant. Unless, of course, I was neglecting myself to make someone else happy. Another condition.
As I grew older, the conditions just changed shape. Friends loved me when I was fun and available but vanished when I needed support. Partners loved me when I fit their image of who I should be but turned cold when my flaws showed through.
This kind of love is exhausting. It’s not love at all; it’s a transaction.
It was only when I met my current partner, 7 years ago, that I realized how unbalanced my views on love were. I still remember how inadequate and unworthy I felt at the beginning. I had no idea of how to receive love — simply receive, without having to earn it or prove my worth.
Even now, all these years later, I still have days where I’m astonished at how freely and unconditionally he loves me. It’s like… So, I get to simply be loved? I don’t need to achieve, perform, or meet a set of expectations? I don’t need to sacrifice myself? Is it really that simple — just being loved for my essence, not for my actions or accomplishments? It’s a concept that still feels foreign and almost unreal to me.
Sometimes, I find myself questioning if I’m worthy of this kind of love. Is it possible that love can be this unguarded and unconditional, without the underlying fear of it being withdrawn if I fall short?
This kind of love has set a new standard for me.
Knowing that I am loved, safe, and secure, no matter what I do… Has radically changed every sphere of my life.
Now, I no longer have patience for relationships or interactions where affection is a commodity to be traded or earned. I can no longer settle for friends or relatives who demand constant validation from me while offering nothing but conditional support in return. Even if I wanted to — I can’t. Every cell of my body feels overwhelmed just thinking about it.
If I feel like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not to be loved and accepted, I leave.
If I feel like someone is only there for me when it suits them, I leave.
If I feel like I need to convince someone that I am worthy of their love, support, and acceptance, I leave.
It really is that simple.
I need relationships where love and respect are mutual. I need connections that are consistent, reliable, and unconditional. And I deserve them. For the first time in my life, I actually know that I deserve them.
I know I’m not alone in this. Many of us grew up in environments where love had to be earned, where our worth was tied to our achievements or our ability to meet someone else’s standards.
The feelings of inadequacy, the constant striving to be good enough, and the fear of showing your true self are burdens shared by many. But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn to break free from these patterns. We can seek out and cultivate relationships where love is given freely, without conditions.
We do, however, have to constantly remind ourselves that we are worthy of receiving it.
Because the truth is, real love doesn’t keep score. It doesn’t hold grudges, or give you a set of expectations to meet. It’s steady, unwavering, and present even in the darkest moments.
Anyone or anything that has the implicit message of “I will love you if…” it’s not love. It’s a conditional agreement. And we deserve better than that.
We deserve love that sees us, accepts us, and embraces us just as we are, no conditions attached.
Thank you for reading 🤍
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Yeah, all of this... 💓
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