5 Signs You’re Abandoning Yourself
#2 You always want to do what's nice for them, rather than what's right for you
This article was originally published on Medium.
We’ve all been there — caught between what we genuinely want and what we think others expect from us.
Some of us are particularly vulnerable to this struggle. We bend, we compromise, we put ourselves last just to keep the peace or avoid rocking the boat. All because we’re afraid of disappointing others, being judged, or coming off as difficult.
But the truth is, every time we do this, we’re chipping away at our own identity, losing sight of what we really want and who we truly are.
1. You’re going against your own values to please others.
It’s one thing to be flexible, but when you’re constantly compromising your values to make other people happy, it’s a problem.
Your values are what ground you — they’re what give your life direction. So every time you let them slide to meet someone else’s expectations, you’re putting your own integrity on the line. You might not even notice it at first, but little by little, you’re losing trust in yourself because you’re teaching yourself that what you believe in doesn’t really matter.
From my experience, one of the main reasons we do this is that we believe the values and opinions of others matter more than our own. We assume that if we can just fit into their mold or meet their standards, everything will be easier.
The thing is, that’s not how healthy relationships work. Those who love us don’t expect us to abandon ourselves or leave our values behind. Those who do don’t truly care about us — they’re only interested in controlling us.
2. You always want to do what's nice for them, rather than what's right for you.
This often looks like saying yes when you’re screaming no inside, or putting someone else’s comfort above your own well-being. You tell yourself you’re just being generous or keeping the peace, but deep down, you know it’s costing you something.
The hard truth? You can’t be everything for everyone without losing yourself in the process. Sometimes the “right” thing for you means making tough choices or saying things others might not want to hear. And that’s okay. Your needs and boundaries matter just as much as anyone else’s, and honoring them is not only your right but also a crucial part of maintaining your own integrity and well-being.
3. You stay quiet when someone has upset you or disrespected your boundaries.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve stayed silent when someone crossed a boundary or hurt my feelings. Sometimes, I’d even go out of my way to please them, no matter how hurt or disrespected I felt. Thank God I’ve learned to stand up for myself!
Unfortunately, when we’re programmed to operate this way, it’s often because of how we were taught to handle conflicts as children. Many of us grew up in environments where our parents or caregivers emphasized keeping the peace over expressing our true feelings. We were taught to avoid conflict, to be “good” and not make waves, even if it meant swallowing our own emotions and needs.
However, if there’s anything I’ve learned in my healing journey, is that staying quiet doesn’t make the problem go away — it just lets it grow. Besides, by not addressing the issue, we’re effectively telling others that their behavior is acceptable and that our feelings don’t count… And that’s the biggest form of self-abandonment.
4. You’re not letting yourself feel “negative” emotions.
Think about it: when was the last time you gave yourself full permission to sit with, feel, or express emotions like sadness, anger, or grief?
We often push these feelings aside, telling ourselves they’re “too much” or that we should just get over it. But emotions are meant to be felt, not suppressed. Ignoring or denying them doesn’t make them disappear — it only means they’ll bubble up later, often in more destructive ways.
When we refuse to acknowledge our emotions, we’re not only doing a disservice to ourselves but also missing out on valuable insights they can provide. We’re disconnecting from our true selves and robbing ourselves of the chance to fully understand and address what’s really going on.
5. You want to make sure everyone likes you.
A few days ago, I listened to a podcast where someone said, “If everyone likes you, you’re not being authentic.”
That hit hard because it’s true. For a long time, I craved acceptance and validation from others. I’d shape-shift depending on who I was around, holding back my real opinions and trying to fit into whatever version of me I thought they’d accept. I was so afraid of being judged or rejected that I’d rather be liked for a watered-down version of myself than risk being disliked for who I really am.
It worked for most of my life. I did earn that acceptance, and it felt good. But it also drained every ounce of energy from my being, because performing instead of just being is exhausting.
When I woke up and connected with my authenticity, I stopped receiving all that validation. But honestly, I couldn’t care less about it — being true to myself is worth so much more.
Abandoning yourself to please others might feel easier in the moment, but it comes at a high cost — your sense of self, your energy, and ultimately, your happiness.
If you’ve just realized that you are, indeed, abandoning yourself, don’t beat yourself up about it. Awareness is the first step to change. Start by listening to what you actually want and need, even if it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Slowly but steadily, you’ll unlearn those patterns of self-betrayal and learn to show up for yourself instead.
The people who truly matter will respect you for it, and the rest? They were never worth sacrificing yourself for anyway.
Thank you for reading 🤍
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Just great advice. Precise, clear, full of the experience that got you to the point of understanding these things. Thank you for writing as you do.