13 Quick Reminders For Recovering People-Pleasers

Your worth is not based on your ability to please others

Patricia W.

Sep 05, 2024

silhouette of two woman face to face in body water — Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Your worth is not based on your ability to please others. You’re worthy just as you are. There’s no need to perform, achieve, or pretend. Your worth is intrinsic — it’s inherent and unchangeable. It’s not based on how much you neglect or sacrifice yourself.
Your needs and feelings matter. I know you’re programmed to believe your needs are irrelevant. But let me tell you something crucial: your needs and feelings are not only valid — they’re essential. You deserve to prioritize your own well-being just as much as anyone else.
There’s nothing wrong with you — it’s a survival mechanism. People-pleasing often develops as a way to cope and navigate challenging environments. It’s your mind’s way of seeking safety and connection. Understanding this can help you be kinder to yourself. Recognize that this behavior was once a useful tool, but it’s okay to outgrow it now. You have the strength to redefine your worth beyond pleasing others and to build healthier patterns that honor your true self.
You don’t have to be liked by everyone. The thought of being disliked by someone probably makes you feel terrified. I get that — I’ve been there. But if everybody likes you, it means you’re not being authentic. You’re going out of your way to chase acceptance and validation. When you’re being authentic, it’s inevitable that some people won’t like you, and that’s okay.
The validation and acceptance you’re chasing are not even real — they’re conditional. The approval you get from constantly pleasing others is fleeting and shallow — it’s based on what you do for them, not who you truly are. This means you’re building your self-worth on a shaky foundation. You’ll only feel whole and worthy once you start giving yourself the validation you need.
You have every right to say no. Saying no doesn’t make you selfish or unkind. It’s not your responsibility to meet everyone else’s needs at the expense of your own. Maybe this is news for you, but your time and energy are valuable, and it’s okay to protect them.
You don’t need a justification for every time you want to say no. As recovering people-pleasers, we often feel the need to justify every time we say no. But your reasons for saying no are valid simply because you choose them. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing your well-being.
People’s reactions aren’t your responsibility. You are not accountable for how others feel or respond to your choices. Their emotions and reactions belong to them, not you. As long as you do what’s right for you and express yourself in an assertive way, you’ve done your part.
There’s a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. We often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. We think we’re being aggressive when we’re actually being assertive — and then we overlook real aggressiveness in others, minimizing our own feelings. Don’t let this confusion undermine your right to assert yourself.
Your anger is valid, and it’s there for a reason. You’re probably conditioned to suppress your anger, but it’s a valid emotion that’s trying to communicate with you. Anger signals that something isn’t right or that your boundaries are being violated. Instead of ignoring it, acknowledge your anger as an important message.
Those who love you respect your boundaries. They understand and honor your limits, knowing that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. If someone makes you feel guilty for saying no or tries to push your boundaries, it’s a sign to reassess the relationship.
It’s okay to take up space. You don’t need to shrink yourself or hide to make others feel comfortable. Your presence and contributions are valuable and deserve to be acknowledged.
Change takes time — but your future self will thank you. The process of shifting away from old habits and embracing new ways of being isn’t instantaneous, and it can be draining sometimes. But your future self will thank you for the effort you put in now. Be patient with yourself as you grow and evolve.