You Don't Need To Know Exactly How To Set Boundaries
You need to feel worthy of setting them
When we realize we need more boundaries in our lives, our minds fill with questions. How am I going to set them? How am I going to say no? If they still disrespect me, what should I say? How should I react?
These questions are more than valid. It’s natural to want a clear plan because it feels like having a script to follow will make it easier. This is especially true when we’re venturing into unknown territory — knowing exactly what to say and how to say it makes us feel more prepared.
However, when it comes to boundaries, even the most detailed plan won’t be effective if the key ingredient is missing.
You’ve been there, right? Standing at the crossroads of wanting to assert your needs and feeling paralyzed by the ‘how.’
It’s easy to get caught up in the mechanics of boundary-setting, rehearsing different scenarios, imagining the precise words to use, the perfect moments to voice our limits. We might think, “If I just say it this way, maybe they’ll understand,” or “What if they get angry or disappointed?”. It makes sense — we’ve spent years bending over backwards to please everyone but ourselves. So of course we need to rehearse. Of course we need to explore several options and approaches.
But as someone who’s been there, let me tell you…
This mental gymnastics, as natural as it is, isn’t what ultimately matters when the moment of setting boundaries inevitably arrives.
What matters — what truly matters — is how worthy you feel of setting your boundaries.
Because when you believe in your own value and right to be respected, setting boundaries comes naturally. When you genuinely understand that you deserve respect and that your needs are valid, you can’t not stand up for yourself, no matter how complicated or manipulative the other person may be.
When you know, for a fact, that YOU ARE WORTHY of setting boundaries…If someone disrespects you, minimizes you, or tries to manipulate you, your first instinct is “Heck no. I’m not going to tolerate this. I don’t deserve to be treated this way”.
Of course — it takes time and practice to get there. It’s not an overnight shift. But once you have that feeling — of anger, injustice, and frustration — you know you’re on the right path.
You might not have all the answers yet. You might still not know exactly how you’re going to speak up the next time your boss, father, sister or friend oversteps your boundaries. But I can assure you you’ll get there, because that feeling is what moves us.
At the core, boundaries are a reflection of how we value ourselves. They communicate to the world what we find acceptable and what we don’t.
If we don’t believe we deserve respect, no amount of planning will enforce the boundaries we try to set. The most eloquent “no” will fall flat if we deliver it from a place of insecurity.
You want to be so rooted in your own worth that if you set a boundary and they still disrespect it, you stand your ground. You don’t compromise. You don’t seek their validation. You don’t try to find a way to please them. No. You stand your ground.
This doesn’t mean that emotions won’t come to the surface. You might feel anxiety, sadness, or even grief. You might even second-guess yourself, thinking “was I too harsh?” or “did I do the right thing?”…
But as soon as those thoughts cross your mind, you remind yourself… Yes. I did the right thing. I have every right to say no. I have every right to defend myself, and doing so doesn’t make me a bad person.
That’s when you know the next time will be easier — when you self-validate in this manner. Because whatever happens, you know you’ve got yourself. And that’s all you need.
Thank you for reading 🤍
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This is excellent 🤍✨thank you
I find this so clear and helpful. Thank you