How To Feel Worthy of Saying No And Standing Up For Yourself
Here's exactly how I did it
There are many reasons why some of us struggle so profoundly with saying no, and these reasons often intertwine.
At a surface level, there’s the desire to be liked and approved by others. We think that saying yes to every request is a shortcut to gaining approval, acceptance, and ultimately, love. But beneath that, there are deeper thoughts, beliefs, and defense mechanisms at play.
If this is something you struggle with, rest assured, you’re not alone. I was once just like you, and there are many people like us out there.
I spent a significant portion of my life bending over backward to accommodate everyone’s needs, saying yes when I truly wanted to say no. It became a habit — almost a reflex — as if my worth depended on meeting others' expectations, even at the cost of neglecting my own needs.
Now, I’m the opposite. I express myself clearly, say no when I need to, and set boundaries without hesitation or fear of judgment. It doesn’t matter if I’m dealing with the most complicated and self-centered person in the room — I stand my ground.
I won’t sugarcoat it: getting to this point was no walk in the park. It took many tears, moments of self-doubt, and countless failed attempts to stand up for myself.
But here I am, and I’m going to share exactly how I made it happen.
Getting To The Roots of The Problem
If we’re determined to eliminate something from our lives—whether it’s a habit, a trait, or a relationship—the first crucial step is gaining a deep understanding of why it has taken root in our existence.
Once we understand the roots of what we want to eliminate, we gain the power to address it at its core. We can dismantle the underlying causes, disrupt the patterns that sustain it, and gradually replace them with healthier alternatives.
That’s exactly what I did. Once I recognized this pattern in myself, I started asking key questions like:
Why does saying no feel uncomfortable or anxiety-inducing for me?
Are there specific situations or types of people where saying no is particularly challenging?
What messages did I receive about assertiveness and setting boundaries during my upbringing?
Are there past experiences where saying no led to negative consequences, influencing my current hesitation?
How do I feel about disappointing others, and why does it hold such weight in my decision-making?
What are the underlying beliefs I hold about my worth and the approval of others?
What emotions come up for me when I consider setting boundaries, and why?
Do I fear being perceived as selfish or unkind when I say no? Why or why not?
These questions allowed me to unravel the layers of my fears and gain a deeper understanding of the roots of my struggle.
To help make this process easier, I’ll share my answers and personal insights with you, so we can navigate through these questions together. Keep in mind that we’re all different, and your responses may differ significantly from mine.
Why does saying no feel uncomfortable or anxiety-inducing for me?
Because I didn’t believe I had the right to do it. I thought my feelings and opinions were less valid than those of others.
Are there specific situations or types of people where saying no is particularly challenging?
Yes—whenever there was conflict, or when I was dealing with very strong personalities.
What messages did I receive about assertiveness and setting boundaries during my upbringing?
‘There’s something wrong with me.’ ‘If I express myself, there will be conflict.’ ‘There’s no point in trying to defend myself because my feelings and opinions don’t matter.’
Are there past experiences where saying no led to negative consequences, influencing my current hesitation?
Yes. As a child, whenever I tried to communicate my feelings or set boundaries, my father would get mad, have an emotional outburst, and blame me. Then my mother would tell me I should apologize to him, reinforcing my feelings of inadequacy.
How do I feel about disappointing others, and why does it hold such weight in my decision-making?
I felt terrified because I believed it was my duty to please everyone around me.