I’m Finally Coming Out of The Spiritual Closet
And it feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulders
This article was originally published on Medium.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been hiding a huge part of myself.
Not the kind of secret that feels dark and shameful — more like a light I kept turning off out of fear that someone might notice it shining. A light that I didn’t want others to see because I didn’t want my friends and family to think I was weird, crazy, or “too out there”.
So, I kept it hidden — smiling and nodding along, while a whole part of me stayed locked away.
I believe this is something we’re all programmed to do. We live in a society that pushes us to fit in, to conform, to keep things surface-level. We’re encouraged to be logical, to be rational, to ignore those inner nudges that don’t line up with what’s deemed “normal”.
I’ve been doing that my whole life — performing, pretending, suppressing. I’ve played by the rules, followed the script, and kept my true self in the shadows because it felt safer. But all the while, that part of me was restless, waiting for a chance to break free from the confines I’d set.
Now, I’m letting it shine and come to the forefront where it belongs.
I’ve been spiritually curious my whole life, sensing that there’s something more, something deeper behind what we’re told life is supposed to be about.
It’s a feeling that’s hard to pin down with words or logic, but it’s been there, persistent and insistent. I’d find myself drawn to books about the mystical, to practices that felt ancient and profound, to conversations that strayed from the conventional. Each time, though, I’d pull back. I’d tell myself it was just a phase, a fleeting interest, not worth pursuing seriously.
I didn’t let it be more than that because admitting its significance meant facing the fear of being judged or misunderstood.
It’s ironic how we, humans, need a reality shock to wake us up to what truly matters.
I remember feeling a quiet thrill when I’d stumble upon something that resonated deeply, only to quickly dismiss it as impractical or naïve. Sometimes, I’d even make fun of it — it made my ego feel safe, allowing me to stay comfortably within the bounds of what was acceptable and familiar.
Eventually, a year ago, I got tired of pretending.
It took me losing my grandma to finally confront the truth. Her passing made me face the reality that life is too short to keep hiding parts of myself.
It’s ironic how we, humans, need a reality shock to wake us up to what truly matters. Why does it often take something incredibly painful to remind us of the importance of living authentically? Why do we wait until we’re forced to confront our mortality before we start embracing our true selves?
I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know that’s exactly what happened to me. The pain and grief were so intense that I was finally ready to surrender.
This past year, I’ve been letting my spiritual side break free.
I’m aware that spirituality means different things to different people. To me, it means connection and awareness. We can utilize different tools to remind ourselves of that connection, but the end goal is always the same: to be so aware of the present moment, of how magical life is, that we feel deeply connected to something greater than ourselves. Something that guides us and supports us.
My main tools to ground myself into that state are meditation, yoga, and immersing myself in nature. These habits and practices don’t always work like magic, but they help me stay centered when life gets overwhelming. They remind me of what really matters and keep me grounded in the here and now.
The truth is, something as simple as staying still and focusing on our breathing can be a tremendous spiritual experience. It shows us how precious the present moment can be when we allow ourselves to simply experience it — without trying to force it, control it, or manipulate it.
Think about it. When was the last time you actually did it? When did you last take a moment to just be — without rushing through it, without trying to shape it into something else, and without distractions pulling you away?
How often do we let ourselves truly experience the now, instead of being caught up in what’s next or what was before?
Before, this was something I didn’t even think about. I was in autopilot mode, just going through the motions. However, I always had this deep need for more presence and introspection.
I craved those quiet moments of stillness — like sitting by a river and just listening to the water flow, feeling completely at peace. I yearned for the simplicity of watching the sun set behind the trees, letting the colors wash over me without needing to capture it on my phone or think about what’s next. I longed for those times when I could walk through the woods and actually hear the crunch of leaves under my feet, feel the breeze on my skin, and be fully present.
Those are my priorities now. And that, to me, is what spirituality is all about.
I no longer care whether people think I’m weird for hugging trees or waking up at 6 a.m. to practice yoga. In fact, I couldn’t care less about earning external validation or acceptance. For the first time in my life, I simply don’t need it.
What I need is to feel aligned with who I truly am, to honor the pull I’ve ignored for so long, and to live in a way that feels real and meaningful to me. Because living authentically matters much more than staying “safe” in a box that never really fit me in the first place.
This is me. No more pretending it’s just a phase or a passing interest. No more hiding parts of myself to make others comfortable. This is part of my story, and I’m ready to live it fully, without holding back.
And it feels damn good.
Thank you for reading 🤍
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rise sisterhood. So good. Out into the light! together.
I think this is wonderful Patricia! I’ve been on a spiritual path since I got sober 6 years ago and truly feel that it is part of the path to healing for me, along with creativity and nature (which I believe are linked). Thank you for opening up about this part of yourself - it helps us all be more open to sharing this part of ourselves.