You Won’t Break Your Patterns Until You See Your Role in Them
The patterns you can't escape are trying to teach you something
I used to notice patterns in my life that felt impossible to escape.
Ending up in the same kinds of relationships, attracting the same type of friends, repeating the same mistakes in slightly different forms… Different faces, different places, different details, but beneath it all, it was always the same rhythm.
And it wasn’t just my life—it was my mind, too. The same worries, the same doubts, the same conversations I replayed in my head over and over. The same “what ifs,” the same regrets, the same endless loops that kept me awake at night.
I believe we all have some kind of pattern, some loop we keep returning to—whether it shows up in the people we choose, the situations we get pulled into, or the stories we tell ourselves about who we are.
Whatever your pattern is, it probably feels unfair. Frustrating. As if the circumstances are stacked against you, and no matter what you do, you end up back in the same place again.
That’s how I saw it too—until I realized the only way to break the cycle was to see the role I was playing in it. And that shift changed everything.
Life Is a Mirror, and The Mirror Never Lies
If there’s one thing I’ve come to see with absolute clarity, it’s that life has a way of reflecting back to us what’s happening within us—the wounds we haven’t healed, the beliefs we’re still carrying, the ways we abandon ourselves without even realizing it.
Of course, not everything is within our control. Some experiences really are just chance. Life throws curveballs, people act in ways we could never predict, and suffering sometimes has no reason at all.
But when something keeps repeating… When a pattern shows up again and again… That’s not just chance. That’s a mirror.
For me, one of those mirrors kept showing up in friendships. Again and again, I would find myself in connections that felt unbalanced. Somehow, the focus would always drift toward the other person’s wants, their needs, their dramas… while mine quietly faded into the background.
At first, I thought it was just bad luck. Or maybe I hadn’t found “my people” yet. But the more it happened, the harder it was to ignore. And eventually… I had to face the truth: it wasn’t an accident that I kept attracting the same kind of people. I played a role in the dynamic, too. The truth was, it was my silence and my lack of boundaries that drew them in in the first place.
It wasn’t just friendships, either:
“For years, I found myself in a relentless cycle of push-pull relationships.
I was either chasing someone who gave me mixed signals, who kept me guessing, who never made me feel truly secure—or I was the one pulling away, shutting down the moment someone got too close. It felt like I was stuck in an impossible loop, craving love but feeling terrified of it at the same time.
Love, to me, felt like this chaotic, unpredictable force that I had no idea how to navigate. And what frustrated me the most was that I kept ignoring—or even feeling overwhelmed by—people who genuinely loved me, people who had the capacity to give me exactly what I needed. But my brain just wouldn’t register them as an option. Instead, I felt this deep, magnetic pull toward the emotionally unavailable, the ones who left me questioning, the ones who never made me feel completely safe.
in How Our Beliefs About Love Shape The Relationships We Attract
Essentially, I was carrying many beliefs that were conditioning me. Beliefs that were shaping the way I behaved and the unconscious signals I emitted—and therefore, the kind of people I invited into my life (the full story’s there if you want to dive in!).
It was painful realization. Because the thing about self-awareness is that it doesn’t just give you clarity—it forces you to really see and witness the darkest aspects of your mind, to come to terms with the fact that you are the common denominator in all of it.
But once I allowed myself to see it… once I could honestly acknowledge my role without shame… That’s when the patterns that had always felt impossible to break suddenly became understandable—and breakable.
The Mind Doesn’t Seek Truth—It Seeks Evidence for Its Familiar Story
Once we start noticing our role in our patterns, another truth becomes impossible to ignore: our minds will always find evidence for whatever we believe.
That’s what keeps the patterns alive. How could a pattern sustain itself without proof that its beliefs are true? It couldn’t. So, that becomes the priority of the subconscious mind: to quietly search for proof that supports the familiar story it’s already telling, and conveniently overlook what doesn’t.
That’s why, even when we consciously want change, even if we crave something better and know deep down we deserve it… it feels almost impossible. Because beneath the surface, our own minds are working against us. They’re pulling us back toward what’s familiar, even when familiar is the very thing that hurts us.
Here are a few examples of how we unconsciously try to find evidence for the beliefs we’re carrying deep down:
Anxious attachment: If you’re constantly bracing for the moment someone leaves, always preparing yourself for abandonment and rejection… your mind will see everything as evidence that those fears are real. You’ll dismiss what doesn’t confirm your fears (moments of love, safety, and reassurance) and instead read between the lines of every little thing the other person does, searching for signs that confirm your inner stories. And, ironically, you end up in relationships with people who pull away, get distant, or fail to give you the security and stability you crave… partially because your behavior, driven by fear, feeds the cycle.
Avoidant tendencies: If you carry the belief that relationships are inherently unbalanced, that they always end up limiting or overwhelming you… then guess what? You’ll find yourself with people who reinforce those beliefs. People who expect more from you, who get anxious, who want closeness in ways you struggle to give. And just like those who are anxiously attached, you’re unconsciously feeding the dynamic with your own behavior—because your avoidance makes them anxious. Even if you’re with someone secure, your avoidance tendencies create uneasiness in the relationship.
Addiction to chaos and lack of safety: When we grow up surrounded by chaos and conflict, our nervous system gets wired to see unpredictability as normal. Calm and stability can actually feel uncomfortable—boring even—because they don’t match what the mind knows. So, without realizing it, you’ll gravitate toward relationships that feel unstable, dramatic, or unsafe… because they confirm the inner story you’re carrying. And when things are calm, you might even create conflict or tension yourself (not because you want to, but because your mind is pulling you back to what feels familiar).
I say all this with love, because these are all lessons I’ve had to learn. The only reason I see these patterns so clearly now is because I was fully immersed in them for years.
And I know—it’s not easy to see and acknowledge our role in our own suffering.
But when we finally allow ourselves to face the truth of our patterns with honesty (and without shame)… everything changes. Because now, for the very first time, we’re no longer victims of our circumstances. We see how our beliefs, our fears, our choices were contributing all along. And we don’t see it in a self-victimizing way—we see it in a productive, clear-eyed way.
And that kind of clarity is the first step toward meaningful change.
“You might ask, “But why would I want pain?” And the truth is, you don’t. But your subconscious doesn’t want pain either. It wants to understand the world. It wants a story that makes sense. And sometimes the only story that makes sense—the one that makes the world feel predictable—is the one where love is pain, where safety is out of reach, where worth has to be earned.
That’s what I mean when I say the mind wants to be right. It wants consistency, not liberation. It wants confirmation, not contradiction. And it will build your whole life around those invisible beliefs if you never stop to name them.”
Breaking patterns isn’t about forcing yourself to be different overnight. It’s about noticing the loops, facing the truths you’ve been avoiding, and understanding the role you’ve played in the dynamics you keep living.
When you allow yourself to see clearly—without judgment, without shame—you stop being pulled unconsciously by the stories your mind has been telling. You gain the clarity to make different choices, to step into relationships, friendships, and situations in a way that aligns with who you truly want to be.
So the question becomes: what do you believe? How is your mind quietly finding proof to confirm it? How are you, perhaps without realizing it, keeping the pattern alive?
Patterns are not a life sentence. They are signals, mirrors, teachers. And the moment you truly see your part in them… that’s the moment change becomes possible. That’s the moment transformation begins.
Thank you for reading 🫶🏼
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Thank you for being here and for walking this path with me 🤍
As always, your writing comes at just the right time for me Patricia. I'm noticing how my avoidance tendencies cause me to view relationships as heavy, meaning I often feel over responsible, even when no one is asking anything of me. I had a very overwhelming and co dependent relationship with my Mum and it's left an imprint that I want to change as I'm missing out on balanced, loving friendships. Thank you for challenging me and helping to remind me I'm slowly moving forward 🧡
This is so powerful—the mirror always tells the truth. Patterns feel like punishment until we see our role in them. Then they become invitations to heal.