Needing Safety from Others Doesn’t Mean You Haven’t Healed Enough
Real growth doesn't mean you stop needing basic emotional safety
This morning, I came across an Instagram story from someone with a massive following. It said:
“Real safety can only ever come from within.
If I’m not sourcing safety from myself, I will unconsciously place it in everyone I let in—giving them a responsibility they never signed up to carry.”
I paused. I reread it. And to be clear: I agree. I really do. The entire foundation of my own writing, in fact—the name of this series—is Creating Safety Within. That’s not a throwaway phrase. I deeply believe in the power of coming home to yourself, of cultivating a sense of steadiness that doesn’t disappear just because someone else walks away.
But.
Context matters. Timing matters. And how we hear these messages—especially depending on where we are in our healing—is everything.
Ten years ago, if I had come across those words, I wouldn’t have nodded in agreement. I would’ve taken it as proof that something was wrong with me. That the fear I felt in relationships was my fault. That the pain, the reactivity, the longing for reassurance—all of it was evidence that I needed to try harder and “source all my safety from myself”.
And yes, back then, I was tangled up in the patterns of a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I struggled with closeness and trust. I constantly swung between pushing love away and panicking when it disappeared. There was work I absolutely needed to do on myself.
But here’s the part I couldn’t see yet—and the part these kinds of statements often leave out: I was also in relationship after relationship with people who simply weren’t capable of providing any real emotional safety. And no matter how much I tried to self-regulate or source it all from within, I still felt extremely anxious and on edge.
That didn’t mean I was failing at healing. It meant I was human. It meant I was having an appropriate response to an unsafe dynamic.
Safety Isn’t a Solo Practice
We hear so much about becoming secure within ourselves. And yes—inner safety is essential. It gives us access to choice, to discernment, to self-soothing. It helps us stay anchored when life moves.
But there’s a subtle danger when this idea gets turned into:
If you’re always feeling anxious in relationships, you need to self-regulate more.
Because sometimes… That’s simply not the full picture.
No amount of breathwork or journaling can override the experience of being constantly dismissed or left guessing. No amount of self-soothing can compensate for the ache of being met with inconsistency when what you needed was steadiness.